Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
