I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
