Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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