I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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