My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
