I will die if light touches me.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
pop tarts are not kleenex
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
