At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She needs sedatives and a leash
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
