I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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