You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
