Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
