Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You're like the curious george of whores
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
