My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
