I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
