I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
