Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
