you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
