Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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