threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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