nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
