i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
