Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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