New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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