my sisters under your porch take her home
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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