brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
