sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
