dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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