I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
