if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
