I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
