I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
