Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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