Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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