Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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