cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
