Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
