Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
