Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
