And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
