my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
