i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
