how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....