He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times