I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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