I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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