May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
