Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
