sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
