Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
