nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
