I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize