I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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