oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
