I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
