i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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