I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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