I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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