Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
